Crushed

I have noticed a few things over the last few weeks. College is taxing. To your wallet, body, mind, faith, plain everything. It takes a lot of work to do halfway decent in college. It takes a great sacrifice to do well in college. It takes an epic rearrangement of priorities to succeed in college.

A great threat to college life is crushes. A certain someone catches your eye, and it seems like the next minute you are scanning Portal for their name so you can be their facebook friend. Little do you know, this is only the harbinger of actions to come. What can seem like a meaningless chat brightens up your day, while having little or no effect on the crushee at all. Then things get even more crazy if the certain someone has a crush on someone else, who probably has a crush on someone else, who has a crush on some other random person.

Basically, I hate crushing. It's too confusing. It's too hard. It makes me feel horrible when things don't go as planned. It brightens up my day. It fills my life with Joy. It confuses me. It brings meaning to my day. I feel like a dummy. I feel like I can wait for years. I feel like I need to act now. I feel content. I feel anxious. I feel mislead. I feel misleading. I feel like God has a great sense of humor.

Fortunately, my life is centered on God. I realize from a most recent relationship that I am not the spiritual, Godly leader that I need to be yet. Therefore, until I feel like God and I are in Sync with the decision to build a stronger relationship, I am putting my relationship with any girl at all ever on the back burner. No matter how much I want to just go out and explain myself... I can't. I am still very much fresh out of a relationship, and I am still under construction. My heart is still not healed. It probably never will be completely healed. My God will be my Healer. God is my Lord. God is my Father. God is my Love. Until I get to that beautiful point of rescue, my heart will be hidden. I don't need any relationship at this point other than the one I have with Jesus.

I write this to show my God is my source of Love, not any human. If I can accept the Love of God, he will provide for me a wife that I will be able to provide for. Until the day that He shows me the one, I will not make a move. I took relationships into my own hands once, and by the same hands, it was torn to shreds. I give up my right to decide my future. That is for God to decide.